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Childhood

I was an acutely shy, somewhat withdrawn child but, nevertheless accepted or tolerated by my peers, and only ever really comfortable relating on a one-to one basis.

From a very early age I was aware of being connected to “something” far greater than myself.  The garden  and nature were my “cosmos”.  I spent many hours studying leaf and flower formation, and the structure of trees.  I was aware that the cyclic changes in the plants that I observed, mirrored emotional and psychological shifts within me.  Synchronicity and resonance were everywhere.  Everything seemed to be connected by some “higher” energy force.  I didn’t have the terminology for it all.

I loved dolls, teddies, fairytales, music, dancing and making mud pies.  Many of my games included ghosts (imaginary).  I especially loved animals, plants and children younger than myself and found immense joy in nurturing them all.

Religious education (the Easter story in particular) was something that inspired me, and I never doubted the existence of God nor that we went to Heaven when we died.  What puzzled me was - where were we before we were born?  Being the timid child that I was, I never dared to ask.

My Primary School Principal described me, to my mother, as having the aptitude and intelligence to achieve whatever I wanted to be in life (career-wise).  However, he felt that my withdrawn nature and lack of confidence would create a large hurdle for me to overcome.

Growing up with my brother was very stimulating for me.  His brilliant mind and outgoing personality provided me with the opportunity to gain some knowledge in a wide range of areas, and to participate in many and varied activities.  This, together with my brother’s protective attitude towards me (I don’t recall any sibling rivalry), provided me with a sense of security.

Teenage years

During this period a more sociable side of me emerged, where I extended the number and range of my friendships.

Beatle Mania, the Mersey Sound and all that went with that exciting era created common ground for relating.

During my teenage years I had a significant number of pre-cognitive experiences which actually started to happen at the age of eleven or twelve and have continued throughout the course of my life.  These experiences were generally in the form of pre-cognitive dreams and visual images (while awake) which impinged on my consciousness and were unrelated to the context of what I was thinking or doing at the time.

My fascination for and experience of a dimension beyond scientific explanation led me to become an avid reader of ghost stories (allegedly true), metaphysical subjects and the occult.

I enjoyed English Literature, particularly the poems of Emily Bronte, Christina Rossetti and T.S.Eliot, the plays by Shakespeare (the tragedies), Eugene O’Neill and Arthur Miller, and the depressing novels by Thomas Hardy.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do career-wise.  Nevertheless, I applied for a Teaching Bursary and, when one was granted to me, I knocked it back.  I had a strong interest in Psychology, which I later pursued academically, but had no real desire to work in that field.

The enjoyment that I used to derive from Religious Education at school began to diminish when I was about seventeen.  I disliked the negativity that was preached - the constant emphasis on how sinful we were, and the doom and gloom that awaited us if we didn’t amend our ways.  This was more a reflection of the Religious Instructor than of the Religion itself.  Nevertheless, “something” seemed to be missing from all the Religious instruction I had received over the years.

I turned to the specific teachings of Martin Luther (initiator of the Lutheran denomination).  Here I found a religious emphasis that was positive in nature.  But, above all, what stuck in my mind was Luther’s belief that Man had a direct link to God (a radical concept in Luther’s time in that it diminished the power of Church intermediaries).  Somewhere in this notion, I believed, part of the “essence” or true meaning of life was contained.

Twenties

My range of friendships and acquaintanceships further increased to include people from many walks of life.  Ironically, the more I socialized with people the more isolated I felt!

Leaving the safe confines of the academic world with its wonderful fellowship and support, left me with a sense of being disconnected.  I often quoted A.D. Hope:

“You cannot build bridges between the wandering islands;

The Mind has no neighbours, and the unteachable heart

Announces its armistice time after time, but spends

It’s love to draw them closer and closer apart.”

 (The Wandering Islands)

I still had no idea what I wanted to do career-wise and I basically drifted in and out of Public Service administrative positions.  I drifted between trying to fulfill the expectations of me from people close to me, to being the “real” me.

My twenties could be summed up as a period of emotional instability, inner conflict and “lostness” that I projected onto those around me.  Needless to say, I attracted a number of people who projected their emotional baggage onto me as well.

I felt like A.D. Hope’s “shipwrecked sailor”…  “The Rescue will not take place.”

Thirties

During my thirties the realization came to me that I could only be happy being the “real” me, even if it meant disappointing the expectations of others.  “The Rescue” could only come from me.  I tuned more and more into myself - my intuition, what gave me true joy.

Simple things like having my own garden to potter around in, nurturing plants and observing them thrive and caring for my three cats gave me immense joy.

My deepest wish, since childhood, was to have and nurture a child.  The path here was strewn with obstacles.  Suffering from idiopathic infertility (unknown cause), I finally conceived via an IVF PROST Program (my fifth attempt).  My daughter, Akira, was one of three one day old embryos (zygotes) that were transferred into my Fallopian tubes in October 1988.  Akira made the successful journey.  Any wonder?  Akira is a quietly tenacious girl with a great deal of joy and zest for life.  A fourth embryo was frozen for three years but, after successfully thawing out, failed to implant after transfer (1991).

In about June 1987, a very strong feeling arose in me that I needed to make some kind of spiritual journey.  Coincidentally (or maybe not) just after this realization, a mini-series, “Out on a Limb”, based on the book by Shirley MacLaine depicting her journey into spiritual awareness, was screened on television.  I decided to watch the mini-series out of curiosity.  There had been so much media “hype” about how Shirley MacLaine had “lost the plot”.

Something in her spiritual experiences struck a very deep chord in me.  I intuitively felt that she had touched on the “essence” of life.

After that I felt determined to explore unorthodox spiritual belief systems to find the spiritual path that I was looking for in my life.  However, given the intense energy focus that I directed towards my work and my involvement in IVF, I felt that I needed to put my spiritual exploration on hold until my energy could be “freed up”.  Also in the latter part of 1987 my energy was even further expended by anticipated grief.  My mother had been diagnosed as having terminal Cancer.

My mother died in January 1988.  A few hours before my mother died, I sat beside her bed and held her hand for a long period of time.  In an internal dialogue (not vocalized) directed at my mother, I asked her to give me some sign that the soul is eternal and that what Shirley MacLaine touched on was the “essence” (true meaning of life).  Within hours of my Mother’s death, my questions were answered via a significant transpersonal experience.  I was stunned and comforted by this experience.

In the months that followed an incredible amount of positive resonance in the world outside also led me to believe that I was on the “right” path.

The questions that I asked my mother were ones that I re-asked of “the Universe” a few times over a period of about three years.  Each time my questions were answered via a significant transpersonal experience.  I felt an increasing sense of connection to a universal spiritual energy force.  A sense of connection whereby I felt I could never feel isolated - no matter what happened.

When Akira was born in July 1989, my energy seemed to be totally consumed by my motherhood role.  During a time of reflection, I envisaged that Akira’s Kinder year would be the time to commence my spiritual exploration.

Forties

In 1994 Akira commenced Kinder.  The spare time that I had was taken up with “other” distractions.  So, the spiritual journey that I wanted to take was still on hold.

In August 1994 I was misdiagnosed as having a rare genetic disorder (Marfan’s syndrome).  If the “Universe” was knocking loudly (wake-up call) - this was the time!!

Initially I had no reason to doubt the diagnosis.  Over a period of about two months, I felt numb and heavily burdened, and I spent a lot of time sleeping (same hours as my daughter).

Somewhere towards the end of 1994 an intuitive spark within me (some might call it psychological denial) kept telling me that something about my diagnosis didn’t “add up”.  On pure intuition, I refused medication that was offered to me “to help slow things down” (aortic root dilatation).  Knowing that my intuition was not an argument that I could present to a doctor, I spent my spare time looking into the research relating to Marfan’s syndrome.  My logic also began to tell me that my diagnosis didn’t “add up”.

In January 1995, a second opinion from a genetic specialist was in my favour.  I presented my arguments and the second opinion to the doctor who had diagnosed me, only to have it all “shot down in flames” by him.  Unfortunately, there is no direct test for Marfan’s syndrome.  Diagnosis is based on a clinical pattern of features, the most significant of which is aortic root dilatation to the point of rupture.  I realized that it didn’t matter how many opinions I sought, the division in opinion that existed meant that only time would sort out the truth.

A couple of weeks after my diagnosis (August 1994), a close friend invited me to receive the “gift of the Tao”.  This involved an initiation ceremony at a Tao centre.  Open-minded and prepared, especially at this stage, to try anything that might assist me spiritually, I accepted the invitation.

Bound by a code of secrecy, I cannot reveal what happens or is said during a Tao initiation ceremony.  However, given the remarkable pre-cognitive experiences and later, in 1995, the incredible transpersonal experiences that I had, I strongly feel that some kind of alignment or attunement of my soul to the divine universal energy force took place during the initiation ceremony.

From that time on it seemed that I was unconsciously led along a path that had many unexpected twists and turns, to meet people that had an important role to play in both my psychological and spiritual integration.

If there is such a thing as a “twin soul”, then I met that person in April 1995.  Some of the experiences we shared were “spooky”.  The incredible amount of ESP between us and the degree of similarity in spiritual experiences that we both had in childhood, teenage years and adulthood, leaves me wondering to this very day whether there is such a thing as a “twin soul”.  An astrological spiritual concept that “twin souls” can be found on the same polar axis of astrological energy, in this given case - the Virgo-Pisces axis, would lend weight to the possibility that we could be “twin souls”.

While I deemed that a permanent relationship with this person was not what I wished, the input of what this person was able to offer me was profound and has helped shape the path of my life.

It was through my association with this person that I learnt, amongst other things, about the true meaning of Astrology.  Out of what was merely intellectual curiosity, he had begun to examine the area of Astrology just prior to meeting me.  My knowledge of Astrology at that time was limited to what I had read in magazines which presented Astrology merely as a classification system of personality types according to Sun (Star) Sign.  Through our many discussions about the subject and having Astrology books that he was reading passed on to me to read, I learnt that Astrology was a complex system of spiritual symbols that depicts the relationship between the soul, universe and divine force.

My exploration of the subject of Astrology continued throughout 1995.  The following year I made a momentous decision to pursue Astrology as a career.  This decision stemmed from my intuition, and the affirmation that I received via transpersonal experiences at that time further convinced me that this was the “right” decision.  It had taken me more that half a life-time to find a career that I could put my heart and soul into.

After an intensive study of Astrology over a four year period I commenced working in the area of Natal Charting in February 1999 after placing an advertisement in an Astrology publication.  With the ongoing support of a local Astrologer and of a number of alternate therapists, a constant flow of work has been generated for me. 

I examine Natal Charts from both a spiritual and psychological (especially Jungian Psychology) context, and identify and explore the innate potential that an individual needs to express in order to achieve a sense of both personal and spiritual actualization.  Psychological Type, psychological mode of functioning, character and shadow, repressed areas of psyche, path to psychological integration, spiritual path and karmic forces are specific areas that I examine in my Natal Chart Reports.

My study of Astrology is and always will be ongoing.  I will be commencing a course in Astro-Psychology and Experiential Astrology in June 2000.

In early 1999, after five years of monitoring me and my daughter for Marfan’s syndrome (particularly aortic root dilatation), it became clear that no significant changes in aortic root size had occurred in either of us.  This still didn’t change the opinion of the doctor.  The sense of frustration and vulnerability that I felt in dealing with this doctor reached a peak.

On 22^nd April 1999 my last echocardiogram result was interpreted by a colleague of my doctor (unavailable at the time).  This colleague expressed grave concern about the opinion of my doctor.  The colleague concluded what I had always maintained - there was insufficient evidence to warrant a diagnosis of Marfan’s syndrome.  He took it a step further to conclude that there was no evidence to indicate this.  My cardiac findings were normal for my age.

The tears that welled up in my eyes were not just about a sense of enormous release.  I was touched by the integrity of this man who was prepared to offer me support at the cost of disloyalty to his colleague.

The positive that emerged from the misdiagnosis and the five year wait to have it fully clarified, was that in coming face to face with my mortality and the implications for Akira, I was given a unique opportunity to sort out my true priorities in life.

To me, life is about finding what gives me the most joy.  I am happiest in my motherhood role.  I find joy in having fun with my daughter, nurturing my cat (Honey) and plants in my garden, helping others, laughter and “doing my best”.  External material goals have very little value to me.

Looking back, I didn’t need to look outside myself to any spiritual belief systems in order to discover the meaning of my life.  My spiritual journey into awareness truly began in my thirties when I started to tune into myself and through transpersonal experiences became fully aware of my connection to a divine energy force.

Through getting “in touch” with myself, thereby aligning myself more and more with the energy of my soul, the path that I needed to take in life to find a greater sense of psychological and spiritual wholeness opened up to me via people that I met and events that happened to me.

In the words of Edgar Cayce:  “All the answers are within yourself.  Only look.”

Intellectual processes tend to blur and avoid the “essence”.  The inner heart understands the “essence”.  Trust your heart and you will find your answers.

It hasn’t been easy putting my inner experience into words, nor is the decision to put this account on the internet an easy one.  I am essentially a very private person.  But an “About Me” that didn’t include something of this inner experience wouldn’t really be about me.  And if I can touch just one soul, then that’s even better.

It seems appropriate to finish with some lines from one of my favourite songs from 1999, “Someday We’ll Know” by the New Radicals:

“I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow

I watched the stars crash in the sea

If I could ask God just one question ……”

Dare to ask that question (whatever it might be).  You may well get an answer.

(April 2000)

Presently  (2009)

January 2010
 

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