The Goodies - Censored!

SERIES SEVEN


  1. Alternative Roots
  2. Dodonuts
  3. Scoutrageous
  4. Rock Goodies
  5. Royal Command
  6. Earthanasia


7-1 Alternative Roots
Duration: 29'07"
Broadcast almost intact by ABC

* At 6'18", the soundtrack of the following section in italics, which is of 0'05" duration, has been replaced by a repeat of the soundtrack of the 0'05" immediately preceding it. The vision in this section is uncut.

NARRATOR: ...a ritual culminating in total immersion in porridge.
(The village elders dunk Celtic Kilty (Graeme) in a vat of porridge.)
NARRATOR: After the young maidens of the village have licked off his coating of porridge, the young Celtic Kilty is to face the ordeal of his initiation into manhood.


7-2 Dodonuts
Duration: 28'27"
Total material deleted by ABC: 1'57"

* At 4'58", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'04"

BO: Now look here. We just happen to believe that you should only shoot what you're prepared to eat.
TBT: So do we. There is not one beast's outside here who's inside has not been stuffed into some pie, pastry or flan and consumed with gusto.
GG: Yes, and the proof of the pudding is in tonight's menu, my little eco-freak. Look at this lot. Poached osprey's eggs.
(Tim smacks his lips.)
GG: Mole-kebabs. Barbecued badger balls.
TBT: My favourite.
GG: And of course,
and of course, a choice of red or white.
BO: What, wine?
GG: No, squirrel or rhino. There is nothing we shoot that we do not eat.
TBT: And, in fact, there is nothing that we eat that we do not shoot.

* At 10'41", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'14"

TBT: Hang on a minute. At three o'clock in the morning you're trying to work out why the dodo became extinct. Oh gawd blimey!
(Tim goes to sit down at his desk.)
GG (shouting): Don't sit there!
TBT: Why not?
GG: Dodo do's.
TBT: What?!? That is my best throne! And look at the size of it. I thought it was a new cushion.
DODO: Awwwkkk!
TBT: Oh well, now I'm awake I might as well go and get something to eat.
(Bill takes a look at the chair and reels back at the smell.)
BO: Pooh! Oh dear me! Oh!
Oh! We'll have to get him house trained, that's one thing.

* At 11'51", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'11"

GG: He could be right, you see. If they only like baked beans, and the beans disagree with them, that would be tough on the survival of the species. Of course, with beans, there would be other attendant problems.
BO: Such as?
(The dodo emits a loud and lengthy fart.)
TBT: Oh my God, stop him. I can't stand that, stop him. Will you stop him?
BO: It's only nature's way, mate.
TBT: I don't care.

GG: I'm tending towards the opinion that the dodo was rendered extinct by the hand of man.
(Graeme holds out his hand and the dodo bites it.)

* At 12'55", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'27"

GG: Look, what you don't realise is that this dodo is of enormous scientific significance.
BO: Yeah, right, that's absolutely true.
DODO: Awwwkkk!
GG: And he's got to go!
(Graeme sticks a wastepaper basket over the dodo's head.)
BO: Listen, if he goes, I go.
GG (desperate): It's a deal!
(Graeme thrusts the dodo into Bill's hands.)
(Film sequence: Bill is taking the dodo for a walk down a suburban street. The dodo is profusely crapping everywhere. Bystanders begin to throw things at Bill, who is now wearing a gasmask. A nearby gardener shovels a pile of dodo droppings onto his flowers, which promptly wilt and die.)
(Cut back to studio. A sign outside the Endangered Species Club reads "Closing Down Sale - everything must go."

* At 14'05", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'04"

(Tim is addressing the Endangered Species Club.)
TBT: Endangered species - all gone.
(The club members murmur their disapproval.)
TBT: Now, it has been suggested that we create a few of our own, like potting nearly all the sparrows. But I'm not eating bloody sparrow sandwiches for six months.
(The club members murmur their disapproval again.)
TBT: It has been suggested that we blow up London Zoo.

* At 16'08" the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'13"

(Inside the shed on Bill's Dodo Sanctuary. Bill is trying to tidy up.)
BO: Oh dear me.
DODO: Awwwkkk!
BO: What? Oh, you haven't, have you? Not again.
(Bill gets a bucket and trowel to dispose of the dodo's droppings.)
BO: Urgh. Oh, I wish you'd just go outside for a minute, just give me a chance to get this place cleared up. I mean, it's not good for you, you know, being cooped up in here all day. Certainly isn't good for me, I'll tell you.
DODO: Awwwkkk!
BO: Oh shut up! I'm fed up with that noise. Gets on my nerves, it really does.
(Bill is about to open the window to empty his bucket when the dodo squawks and jumps up between Bill's legs to stop him.)
BO: Gawd! Get off, will you? Please, get away from me. Just let me open the window.
DODO: Awwwkkk!
BO: Now stop it! All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, shouting at you. I know I shouldn't and I'm sorry mate, but you're very difficult to live with. On the other hand, I know you are the rarest creature on God's earth and I must not get tetchy with you. Oh! I mustn't get tetchy with you; I'm not going to get tetchy with you; and I'm not tetchy. I'm nice and calm. I'm just going to eat my supper.
(Bill turns and finds only one sausage on his plate.)
BO: YOU'VE HAD IT! You've had my supper! Look at that! One bloody little sausage you've left me! Look at that!
(Bill thrusts the plate into the dodo's face. The dodo eats the last sausage and a chunk of plate as well.)
BO: Right! That does it, mate. That does it. My God, how a greedy, obnoxious, bad-tempered, filthy berk of a bird with bad breath, B.O. and a beak like a battleship ever lasted ten seconds on this planet absolutely beats me.
(During this, Bill has been darting across the shed with an axe, trying to catch the dodo. He finally grabs it by the beak and holds the bird to a table.)
BO: Right! Got ya! OK mate, you want to hang on to that hooter? Right, you just get out of that door, go on, out of that door. Otherwise, Uncle Bill severs the snout.
(Bill raises the axe in preparation to chop. The dodo farts and Bill falls back, defeated by the stench.)
BO: Oh! Oh, please, please go outside!
(He sprays air freshener around the room.)
BO: Just for a few seconds, will you? I mean, let's just get a breath of fresh air. I mean, you're perfectly safe, you're a protected species, you're in a sanctuary. I mean, come on, come on, come on.

(The dodo sticks its head up again and tries to look cute.)
BO: Awww, listen, who'd want to hurt you?
(Cut to film sequence - a Land Rover pulls up outside the sanctuary and we see exactly who would want to hurt it - Tim and Graeme.)

(Continues...)

* At 17'03" the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'18"

(Cut back to inside the shed. Bill is out of sight.)
BO: All right. There's clearly only one way to prove to you that it's safe to go outside, and this is it.
(Bill stands up, revealing him to be dressed in a dodo costume.)
BO: Good, eh?
(The dodo shakes its head and squawks "No.")
BO: Ah yes, you're impressed, aren't you? (Lifts face mask) It's only me. Now, listen, what's going to happen is, I'm going to pop outside, I'm going to come back completely unscathed, and then maybe you will be forced to admit that it is perfectly safe to pop your handsome hooter outside that door. Got it? Good, right. Here I go.
(Bill turns towards the door and away from the dodo. The dodo starts cooing.)
BO: Here! Here, you can take that look out of your eye, you randy little devil. Tell you what, though. If I spot any little lady dodos out there, I'll pull one for you.
(The dodo jumps about excitedly.)
BO: You'd like that. Yes.
(The dodo squawks "Yeah.")

(Film sequence. Outside, Graeme has dressed Tim as a female dodo in order to lure the real dodo out. The Bill-dodo and the Tim-dodo eventually meet and begin a mating ritual. Graeme discovers they are being filmed by the Walt Disney Wildlife Unit, and we hear the narration.)

(Continues...)

* At 19'20" the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'15"

NARRATOR: Walt Disney presents his True-Life Adventure - Daisy the Delectable Dodo. There comes a time in the life of every dodo when the chick of yesteryear becomes the full-fledged adult of today. And for Daisy the Delectable Dodo, today's the day. The sap has risen, and here he is. It's Dreadful Dennis, the neighbourhood wiseguy. And boy, what a show off. But despite her seeming indifference...
(Daisy (Tim) kicks Dennis (Bill) in the testes.)
NARRATOR: ...Delectable Daisy knows deep down inside that old Dame Nature has got it all sewed up. Pretty soon she and Dennis are going to be at it like knives.
But Daisy's momma always told her to play it by the book, and Dennis just has to go through all the formalities before he can lead her up the aisle on that delightful day Delectable Daisy says I dodo do. Until then Dennis will just have to put up with dancing beak to beak.
(The two ersatz dodos dance. Graeme runs up with a net and captures both birds. He has a look to see what he's caught, and finds it's Bill.)
TBT: You!
(All three Goodies faint.)

(Continues...)

* At 20'25" the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'11"

(Cut to inside the shed. The Goodies enter. The smell hits Tim.)
TBT: Gaw! Oh dear, oh dear. Where is it?
(Tim looks for the dodo. It suddenly shoots of out a cupboard and knocks Tim over.)
BO: Get off him! Get off him! Get off him! You dirty little birdy! Sex mad, he is. Oi oi oi oi oi! Now, listen. I did not get you a mate. And it's just Tim.
(The dodo sticks its head up, squawks, and continues to assault Tim.)
TBT: Get off!
BO: You're in luck. He's not fussy.
TBT: What?!?

GG (to Bill): You are spoiling that bird.
BO: No I'm not.
GG: That hooligan dodo - he's emotionally disturbed. You know, the root of his problem is he's got an inferiority complex.
BO: Why should he feel inferior?
GG: Because he is! In every single department, that bird is the worst. God, it's a bird - it can't even fly.


7-3 Scoutrageous
Duration: 29'11"
Video issue (BBCV 5391) is complete
Total material deleted by ABC: 1'50"

* At 5'25", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'50"

TBT: Right, I am Brown Owl, and I shall now recite the Scout's Oath. A scout is always clean in thought, word and underpants. He is always polite, and he can do remarkable things with two sticks. On the other hand, he never has any unclean thoughts. And if he does, he immediately takes a cold shower.
(Tim pulls the chain hanging next to him and his showered in cold water. The rest of the patrol do likewise, including Graeme and Bill.)
BO: Flippin' heck!
TBT: A scout is always clean of mouth. He is fond of his uniform, and he likes his silly hat. He does not indulge in woggle jokes such as: "Have you seen his woggle?" "No, but it's a good trick is he can do it."
(Tim and the patrol have another cold shower.)
TBT: A scout does not think much of girls, preferring, as he does, the manly comradeship of his chums. He is kindly to little boys and cubs...
(Tim reaches for the shower chain.)
TBT: On the other hand, he is not a raving poofter. Oh no. A scout does not wear make-up, except of course at the Gang Show, where, of course, he can also wear women's clothes, which he likes very very much.
(Another shower.)
TBT: Right. Dib dib dib.
PATROL: Dob dob dob.
TBT: Meeting is closed.
BO: Let's go to the pub.
(Bill and Graeme laugh. Tim looks at them censoriously.)
BO: Sorry.
(Bill and Graeme have another cold shower.)

(Cut to the Goodies' office. Graeme and Bill are wrapped in towels, shivering and have their feet in mustard baths. Tim is sitting crosslegged on his desk, gloating.)
TBT: See? No moral fibre.
GG: It was all those cold showers.
TBT: You've got to be tough to be a scout. It's not all fun.
BO: Fun? Fun! None of it's fun. You don't know what fun is, you, not real fun. Not real way-hey! cor-blimey! wallop! wow! I-should-say-so! fun. You don't know what that is, do you?
TBT: Certainly not.
GG: Neither do I.

(Continues...)

* At 9'03", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 1'00"

TBT: So, you're not coming tonight.
BO: No I'm not. I'm going to join the Guides.
TBT: Pity. 'Cos I was going to show you the badges.
BO: The badges? The badges? You know I'm a fool for badges. Let's have a look. Badges, eh?
TBT: There you are. (Don't slip.) There you are.
BO: Oh, those are amazing. Oh, those are really nice. I'll have two of those, and I want three of...
TBT: No. Take your hands off them. These are scout proficiency badges. You've got to earn them. It's jolly difficult. No-one in our patrol has ever won one.
BO: You're a soppy lot, you, aren't you? We'll change all that, won't we Greybags?
GG: Yeah. For the honour of your patrol, consider us re-instated. Read out the badges, Brown Trousers.
TBT: }\ul Owl}. Well, for a start, there's the Courtesy Badge for such things as helping old ladies across the road.
(On film, we see Graeme and Bill doing this, very much against the will of the old ladies. A wheelchair-bound old lady is pushed into the path on an oncoming cyclist. The cyclist flies over the handlebars...)
TBT: And, of course, the First Aid Badge.
(...and lands on a couple of boxes of bandages.)
TBT: Then there's the Flower Pressing Badge.
(Bill and Graeme demonstrate, violently.)
TBT: Or you can go for your Wig Spotter's Badge. Wig spotters?
(Graeme and Bill show a selection of ways to earn this much sought-after badge.)
TBT: Or your Initiative Badge - stealing a pair of Margaret Thatcher's bloomers...?!?
(Stock film of Maggie addressing a Tory party conference. Then in close-up, we see a scout hat creep along behind the tables and up to "Maggie." A selection of odd noises follows, during which we see a quick shot of the real Maggie. Then, with a fanfare, the scout holds the bloomers aloft. The scout creeps back the way he came in, still waving his trophy. Cut back to a little more stock footage of Maggie.)
(Cut to scout hall. Tim is berating Bill and Graeme.)
TBT: You were making those badges up!
BO: Yes.
TBT: Well it was shameful.
GG: Oh come now, Brown Ale.
TBT: Owl!
GG: They were merely boyish pranks. Anyway, that's the way to get new recruits.
BO: That's right. I've still got a gap there. (Indicates arm.) I'm going for my Cheering Up Lovely Young Housewives Whose Husbands Are Away At Work Badge.
TBT: Oh no you are not. You've brought shame to the whole platoon, haven't they lads?
(The platoon mumbles agreement.)
TBT: Margaret Thatcher's knickers! Whatever next?
BO: Angela Rippon's suspender belt!
(Bill holds it up proudly. Inflamed by the sight, the platoon takes a cold shower.)
TBT: Don't you ever say that again. Angela Rippon's suspender belt!
(The platoon gives a cry of lust and showers again.)

TBT: Right. I'm going to dress you down and give you a good wigging!
(Another cry of lust and shower.)
GG: Now listen here, Brown Boots.
TBT: Ale. Owl!
GG: This is jolly unfair. We're just getting into this scouting lark.

* At 22'33", the following word in italics has been cut from the audio track. The vision is uncut.

(Tim is disciplining his squad of Salvation Army recruits.)
TBT: And if you lot turn out again on parade looking like a bag of mucky laundry, I'll have you in that guardhouse on a \{charge?\} quicker than you can say halle-bloody-lujah! Understand?
SQUAD: Yes sah!
TBT: Right! Tambourine drill by numbers from the right...


7-4 Rock Goodies
Duration: 29'47"
Broadcast almost intact by ABC

* At 3'21", the following words in italics have been cut from the audio track. The vision is uncut.

TBT: There's nothing to be ashamed of in my shoes.
BO: Oh yes there is. Your feet.
TBT: My feet? What's the matter with my feet? First you have a go at my hair, and then my voice, and now my feet.
GG: Yeah, you bitch. Leave T. alone. I mean, I admit he comes on like Doris Day. I admit he sings like Minnie Mouse. But I honestly don't know what is wrong with his feet.


7-5 Royal Command
Duration: 29'14"
Broadcast intact by ABC


7-6 Earthanasia
Duration: 30" approx
Total material deleted by ABC:
(Probably around 2'00" - at least 1'45" detailed below plus the three other cuts)
Not broadcast by Foxtel (by mistake, apparently)

* At 5'04", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = ???

BO: Twenty-seven and a half minutes to pack in everything I haven't done yet. I can't hang about, mate.
(Bill exits)
GG: You'll be back.
(Bill re-enters)
BO: I'm back. I, er, I don't really know where to start.
GG: You see, that's twenty seconds you've wasted by being impetuous like you always are. It's much better to sit down for, say, wooh, one minute forty seconds, and then have a really well planned final twenty-five minutes.
(EDIT)
BO: All right, all right. Why don't you help me, eh? I mean, I want to go on a twenty-five minute odyssey... Oddie-sy, get it?
GG: Yes. Another six and a half seconds gone.
BO: Yes, all right. Odyssey of self gratification. Now, what haven't I done yet? Or, what have I done that I enjoyed so much that I want to do it again? Come on, flash me a few headings.

(Continues...)

* At ??'??", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = ???

GG: Er, sport.
BO: Sport, marvellous. Right. Skateboard. And footy. Hang on a moment there. And footy. What I'm going to do, I going to skateboard to Wembley, bang in a hat trick. What's next?
GG: Food.
BO: Food, marvellous. Whilst licking the chocolate off two dozen Mars Bars.
(EDIT. We next see Bill standing in front of the table he was previously behind. An electric guitar has mysteriously appeared in his bag. There is probably also a Jane Fonda reference in this cut.)
GG: What about me?
BO: Well, you're going to be all right. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Sixteen seconds, goodbye.
GG: Yeah, but I've done everything. I mean, I'm not a creature of the flesh like you, I've done it all. I'm a loony scientist, and I've done it all. Giant kittens, monster cods, Eddie Waring impressions... (does a little bit of Eddie).
BO: Ten seconds that took.
GG: Well you see it's not so easy for me. I mean, what am I going to do for my last few minutes?

(Continues...)

* At ??'??", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = ???

BO: Graeme, I must admit I don't know. But I must admit I don't care, and I'm going to leave. Goodbye.
GG: No! Who's going to tell Tim?
BO: You.
GG: No.
BO: Well, he probably already knows, doesn't he?
(EDIT - The door opens and Tim enters wearing a sandwich board reading "The End Of The World Is Nigh." Tim's line is probably something like "I'm knackered.")
TBT: Still, tired but happy, that's what I always say.
BO: He doesn't know, does he?

* At ??'??", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 1'27"

TBT: Graeme, let him go. We can stop and think about our sins.
(They sit and think. Tim looks increasingly puzzled. Graeme is clearly enjoying his remembrance. He smiles, laughs slightly, and then harder.)
GG: Oh yes. (Big lewd laugh) Ah, memories.
TBT: I can't think of any. Oh yes I can! Ooh, and another one! Oh, I have sinned, Graeme, I have sinned!
(Bill bursts back in.)
BO: What? What have you done?
TBT: Oh, I've been bad.
BO: What, just now and I've missed it?
TBT: Oh, I'm doomed, I shall go to hell. I want a priest!
GG: Don't be ridiculous. Fourteen minutes left to the end of the world? I should think priests are in pretty short supply.
TBT: I want to be shriven! I want to confess! I want someone to hear my sins!
BO: Are they worth hearing?
TBT: I should say so.
BO: In that case I'll have a listen.
(Bill picks up phone and dials.)
BO: I'm never going to get out at this rate though, am I? (to phone) Hello Jane? I've just got to hear Tim's sins. Quite, shouldn't be a minute, no. OK, keep your engine running. Right, lovely. (hangs up) Right, let's hear 'em. They'd better be good, though, or I'll be very cross.
(A pause)
BO: Come on, what have you done?
TBT: It's far too light in here; these are deeds of darkness.
BO: (sighs) Come on, turn out the light, Graeme.
GG: Right.
BO: Oh, and bring the grill, would you?
(Graeme goes out to the kitchen, dimming the lights as he goes.)
BO: Now, tell me, my son, what have you done?
(Graeme enters holding the grill from the oven.)
GG: Where's the turkey? You're supposed to have put the turkey in.
TBT: Sin number one.
(Tim holds the grill between him and Bill in the manner of a confessional box.)
TBT: Forgive me, Father William.
BO: I forgive you - for telling me such a lousy sin. Come on, get to the hot stuff.
(Tim whispers into Bill's ear.)
GG: What? What?
(Bill whispers to Graeme.)
GG; Pardon?
BO: No idea. (to Tim) What'd you say?
(Tim whispers again.)
BO: Ha! He tucks his shirt inside his underpants.
TBT: That's not all, you know. I also... (whispers)
BO: In the bath?
TBT: Yep.
BO: Little bubbles?
TBT: Yep.
BO: Come up between your knees? Come on, who doesn't?
GG: Great big bubbles!
BO: Absolutely! Oh, honestly! You've never done any real sinning, you.
(Bill turns the lights on again.)

BO: I mean, I don't suppose once in your life you've ever, ever committed a deadly sin, have you?
TBT: No, but I could if I wanted to.

* At ??'??", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'08"

BO: You can't enjoy yourself, you're far too inhibited, you are.
TBT: I know, but I can't do anything about it now, can I?
BO: No.
GG: Yes you can.
BO: Huh?
GG: With my knowledge of psychotherapy, I could make you into a new person.
BO: Well make him into Jane Fonda. Save me a taxi fare.
GG: I could get rid of his inhibitions.
BO: What? His inhib...? Oh you...?
How long, how long's that going to take?
GG: Only a few minutes.
TBT: You're not going to skimp, are you?
GG: I'm going to devote the rest of my life to it.

* At ??'??", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'10"

TBT: I am plain speaking - I speak as I find. For example, oi, Baldy! You don't half look ugly now you've shaved your beard off, you dreary little wart!
BO: You certainly know how to hurt a man.
TBT: I do. Knee to the groin.
(Tim knees Bill in the groin.)
GG: Stop! Stop! Stop this unseemly bickering.
TBT: Stay loose, bugalugs, four-eyes, old chihuahua chops.
This speaking the truth lark's fun, you should try it.
GG: No, certainly not. And not at a time like this.
TBT: Time like what?
GG: Four minutes to twel... it's Christmas!


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The Goodies - Censored! was compiled by Matthew K. Sharp.
Copyright (C) 1996, Matthew K. Sharp. All rights reserved.
Script extracts copyright (C) 1970-1980 Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor.