The Goodies - Censored!


  1. Movies
  2. Clown Virus
  3. Chubbie Chumps
  4. Wacky Wales
  5. Frankenfido
  6. Scatty Safari
  7. Lighthouse Keeping Loonies
  8. Rome Antics
  9. Cunning Stunts
  10. South Africa
  11. Bunfight At The O.K. Tearooms
  12. The End
  13. Goodies Rule - O.K.?

5-1 Movies
Duration: 28'27"
Total material deleted by ABC: 0'30"

* At 4'37", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'07"

TBT: Next please!
BO: Whose is this one, then?
GG: Er... Russell.
TBT: Jane, Ken or Bertrand?
BO: Let's hope it's the one with the big knockers, eh?
TBT: Yeah. Bertrand.
GG: This is
Ken Russell's "Life Of Pablo Casals".
BO: Load of rubbish.
GG: Give it a chance.
BO: Nope.

* At 7'26", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'07"

TBT: You may be able to con the froggies, but you don't impress me. Now one thing... Warhol! Will you stop filming me when I'm talking!
(Warhol lowers his camera, chastened.)
TBT: Which brings me to the subject of sex, perversion and... Warhol! I shan't tell you again... and violence. I simply will not tol... Give me that camera. Come on, give me that camera. Come on, give me that camera!
(Warhol reluctantly hands it over. Reaction shot of Graeme and Bill.)
TBT: Obviously there's no point in me going on, clearly none of you has a responsible attitude.

* At 17'13", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'16"

BO: I'm going to get drunk!
TBT: Oh, going to get drunk? Huh! How's an actress of my calibre supposed to act with an ape like you? Oh, you ruined my film, ruined it.
GG: There there, petal, don't worry.
BO: An actress of your calibre? You-you-you-you... raddled old has-been!
(Tim starts to cry.)
GG: Now look what you've done. It wasn't her fault... his fault.
BO: No, it's yours. Yours, in't it, you clapped out old queen.
GG: Well, thank you! Thank you! At least I can act, which is more than I can say for some people present.
TBT: And what's that supposed to mean?
GG: Well, let's face it, darling, you're no Glenda Jackson, are you?
TBT: Ooh, you bitch!
GG: Oh!

BO: Don't you speak to her like that, she's one of the finest actress I've ever had the pleasure to work with.

5-2 Clown Virus
Duration: 28'51"
Broadcast intact by ABC

5-3 Chubbie Chumps
Duration: 28'38"
Broadcast intact by ABC

5-4 Wacky Wales
Duration: 29'10"
Total material deleted by ABC: 0'35"

* At 2'07" and 2'23", the following two sections in italics have been cut. CUT = 0'02" total.

TBT: We've been invited by the local preacher himself - The Reverend (check letter) Llewellyn Llewellyn Llewellin (turns page) Llewellyn. Read him the letter, Gra.
GG: Certainly will. (Clears throat) Dear Goodies, Llyd Cymru advas llwcyu. Llanfair pwll gwyn llach dod International Eisteddfod, llan gogerych wyrn drob next Thursday. Llan in dry veryoh nyrin guest of honour byrn merion llan Max Bygraves, e Des O'Connor, e Rolf Harris. May advas llyhedu get stuffed. So, llandas wyth goronwy dyn the Goodies, but gogerych llanty silio re an unfortunate incident last year, gerych faryhu Clive Jenkins frob llan heredu plate of wallaby stew, medino gerwyn all over the carpet. Redin sospan bach Godwych Police Station, therog meriddin bran indecent exposure. Yours sincerely, etcetera etceteta etcetera (turns page) etcetera.
BO: What was all that about?
GG: No idea.

NOTE: "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch" is a made-up word meaning "Saint Mary's Church by the pool of the white hazel trees, near the rapid whirlpool, by the red cave of the Church of Saint Tysilio", used as the name of a railway station in Wales which reopened in April 1973. Known as Llanfair-P.G. for short. See also the railway carriage sequence near the start of this episode. Much of the rest of the Welsh letter quoted above is my phonetic interpretation, rendered into a Welsh-looking spelling.

* At 11'49", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'11"

(During the Eisteddfod. Graeme is dressed as a conjuror, and Bill in a flasher-mac. Graeme turns Bill into a beautiful lady doing a feather dance. She conceals herself entirely behind the feathers, and then is revealed to be Tim, dressed only in his shorts. Bill runs back on stage and flashes at Tim, who runs off. Bill then flashes Graeme. Graeme turns Bill into the lady again, and now she is wearing Bill's mac and hat. She walks off, leaving Bill stranding behind her in his underpants.

* At 16'22", during the singing of Hymn #42 (a dirty rugby song), the last lines, "We'll be all right in the middle of the night" and the accompanying vision of the Goodies doing the "Up yours" arm-fist gesture have been cut. CUT = 0'02"

* At 21'48", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'02"

(During the Monks vs Festival Of Light match)
COMMENTATOR: And I'm afraid that Brother Ignatius is going to break his vow of silence.
(The monk turns to Mary Whitehouse and mouths "Why don't you fuck off, bitch?")
COMMENTATOR: Well, that must be a sending off, and there it is, we have to abide by the rules.

* At 24'15", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'18"

GG: I don't find the atmosphere in this room particularly holy. LLEWELLYN: Not holy? Not holy? TEAM: We are the holiest! (sings) Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness... BO: Shut up! (He covers Tim's ears) Please! Please! Please! That song! Honestly, that's not holy. LLEWELLYN: Not holy? It's about flippin' virgins, init? You can't get much holier than that. (The Team starts singing again. The Goodies spot the players' luggage and see the labels. Tim blow a whistle to get attention.) TBT: Hang on a minute! You've got half the Welsh international team in here.

* At 25'14", there is a very slight cut made for no apparent reason between the end of the studio sequence when the Welsh team pick up the Goodies and start singing another rugby song, and the beginning of the film insert of them on the football pitch. CUT = 6 frames (by my count)!!?!

5-5 Frankenfido
Duration: 26'29"
Broadcast almost intact by ABC

* At 1'53", the following words in italics have been cut from the audio track. The vision is uncut.

(Graeme opens the Breeding Basket. There is a very large dog inside.)
GG: How are you two doing in there, then, eh? Feeling sexy? Where's your missus? Hang on a minute, I was sure I put a chihuahua in there with you.

5-6 Scatty Safari
Duration: 28'36"
Total material deleted by ABC: 0'01"

* At 4'07", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'01"

TBT: Well if he was here you wouldn't hear him complaining.
(Graeme enters)
GG: I'm knackered!
(Graeme throws his bucket down with a loud clatter.)

Video issue (BBCV 5391) is edited; total material deleted: 0'11"

* At 1'37", a brief shot of Dick Emery as his Bovver Boy character eating a banana has been removed. CUT = 0'03"

* At 2'53", a brief shot of Marty Feldman from the "Jungle In Florist's" sketch from his 1968 series Marty has been removed. CUT = 0'02"

* At 4'24", the following clumsy edit has been made. On the video, first the sound is cut, and then the vision fades to black, removing the section in italics. CUT = 0'04" (plus a further 0'02" of audio before the fade)

TBT: Oh, go on, get on with your work, go on, chop chop. And while you're about it, bung those on Lionel Blair, would you?
(Tim hands Bill a pair of horse shoes. Bill walks away. We hear Little Jimmy Osmond singing "I'll Be Your Long Haired Lover From Liverpool")
BO: Oi! Are you still at it, little Jim? Be quiet!
(Bill throws a bucket of water into the stall.
Cut to Tim bringing in Tony Blackburn's dinner.)

* At 26'35", through to 27'17", all shots of the Door To The Other Side have been changed using a tacky superimposed electronic graphic to read "I.T.V.", replacing the original ATV logo. In the first shot, after the V/O line "And when they reached the other side...", the ATV fanfare on the soundtrack has been replaced with a generic fanfare. This has shortened the shot slightly. CUT = 0'02" In the next to last shot, when the Jake-The-Peg Rolf walks in front of the door, the graphic can be clearly seen to wobble. This is caused by the camera tracking in slightly on the original shot. This entire sequence reeks of amateur hour in a BBC edit suite.

* At 27'17" to the end of the episode, the Wedding March music backing the last sequence has been changed. If you listen carefully, you can still hear bits of the old music creeping through in the quiet passages of the new music under the voice-over.

As an aside, one really wonders why this episode was chosen for issue on video when it required all this stupid, amateurish altering and cutting to make the project viable. The treatment only serves to make the edits so blatantly obvious that surely even the casual viewer must realise that something is amiss.

5-7 Kung Fu Kapers
Duration: 27'48"
Broadcast intact by ABC

5-8 Lighthouse Keeping Loonies
Duration: 25'26"
Total material deleted by ABC: 0'05"

* At 18'39", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'05"

(Corbet Woodall is reading the news over various shots of UFOs.)
CW: ...and its speed was estimated by various eyewitnesses as somewhere between 20 and 6000 miles per hour.
(Cut back to Woodall in the studio.)
CW: The pictures were taken by a Swedish amateur photographer.
(Shot of a nude lady reclining in a window.)

(Shot of an airline pilot in a cockpit.)
CW (v/o): An airline pilot on a scheduled flight between Oslo and London...

5-9 Rome Antics
Duration: 28'18"
Broadcast intact by ABC
(from c.1987 onwards)

5-10 Cunning Stunts
Duration: 29'26"
Total material cut by ABC: 1'18"

* There are three separate cuts in the first studio sequence, at 1'22", 1'37" and 1'53", of 0'08", 0'04" and 0'04" duration respectively. There are indicated by italics in the following transcript. CUT = 0'16" total

(A phone rings on the main desk)
TBT: Hello, Goodies Clarion and Globe, yes, certainly, thank you. Take that, Bill, would you?
(Tim hands Bill the phone and answers another call)
TBT: Goodies Clarion and Globe, certainly, would you take that, Bill, certainly.
(Tim answers another phone)
TBT: Hello, Goobies Clalion Blobe, oh, take that would you, Bill?
(Tim answers yet another phone)
TBT: Hello? Oh! (Holds phone away from him.) That one's obscene! I'd better take it. (To phone) Really? Upside down with a goat? CUT = 0'08"
(Graeme bursts in)
GG: Hold the front page!
TBT: Hold the front page!
GG: Pull the front page!
TBT: Hold the front page! What have you got? What I want, I want a story with warmth, drama, human interest and big bosoms.
(Tim indicates the size he wants with his hands, and pretends to wobble his face between them.)
GG: Get a load of this, chief.
CUT = 0'04"
TBT: Hit me with it.
GG: OK, listen. Attractive 35 year old pet shop owner Mona Briggs named in parrot feed scandal. Here's the picture.
(Graeme gives Tim the photo.)
TBT: It's a dog.
GG: Yeah. But look at the bosoms. He he! Count the bosoms!
(Tim repeats his face-in-bosoms mime with an unappreciative look on his face.)
CUT = 0'04"
GG: Bill, get this down, it's the headline. Judge Raps Yard Swoop Pro Boss On Parrot Food Supremo Scandal Leak.

* At 5'26", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'05"

BO: I'll have you know Mildred and I have had a very meaningful relationship.
TBT: Oh, come on. I bet you've never even held her hand.
BO: Very nearly.
TBT: Right, that's it then. What a headline! Goodies Clarion and Globe ace reporter pulls high class crumpet. Great! Don't you worry, sunshine, you'll soon have Daddy snapping his garters with ribald mirth.

* At 15'00", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'51"

BO: But I made your Dad laugh.
MILDRED: You make me laugh, too, but I'm not going to marry you.
BO: You...
TBT: Nice one, Mildred!
BO: Oh, clever stuff, eh? Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! Yeah, I see it all now. That's what you wanted all the long, init, eh? A bit of crumpet '
round the office. Oh yeah, course if is, yeah. A quick snog behind the filing cabinet. Yeah, that's, er, that's what you two are after, isn't it?
TBT: I'm sure Mildred is not that kind of girl.
BO: Oh yes she is.
TBT: (interested) Is she really? (catching himself) I don't know how you could say that. Mildred is quite clearly ideally suited for the job on account of her long... legs. Experience! Experience. She has extremely impressive bosoms. Breasts. Qualifications. She has, er, a splendidly pert, cheeky, pinchable little... little... littlelittlelittlelittle little degree in Economics and Sociology. And, and a terrific bum. Bottom. And and and I'm sure we shall all enjoy groping her. Working her. With her.
So kindly push off.
BO: Push off? Push off. So it's come to that now, has it?

* At 18'10", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'06"

MILDRED: Now, give me some tea, please. Then I want you to nip out and fetch the evening editions, finish tidying those files, take my dress to the cleaners, give the room a dusting, and then if you're not doing anything tonight you can come and have a spot of dinner with me. Then back to my place for a bit of way-hey-hey! (Does arm-fist up-yours gesture.)
TBT: Well. (Tim turns his back to Mildred and she pinches his bum again.) Ooh!

MILDRED: If you don't want it tweaked again, don't flaunt it so much. (Tweaks his bum)
TBT: Get off!

5-11 South Africa
Duration: 28'47"
Broadcast intact by ABC

5-12 Bunfight At The O.K. Tearooms
Duration: 27'19"
Broadcast intact by ABC
Video issue (BBCV5370) is complete

5-13 The End
Duration: 29'47"
British video issue (BBCV 5370) is complete
Australian video issue (ABC Video B00100) has the same cut as the ABC version (WHY? WHY?!?)
Total material deleted by ABC: 0'04"

* At 8'34", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'04"

TBT: ...and I know that I've not been easy to live with.
BO: No he hasn't. That's absolutely correct, he hasn't, you know.
TBT: Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.
GG: Oh, has he?
TBT: Yes.
Graeme? Graeme? Graeme? You don't... you don't mind me calling you Graeme, do you, 'cos you're the only friend I've got in the whole world...

SP-4 Goodies Rule - O.K.?
Duration: 49'02" (as broadcast by ABC)
Probably broadcast intact by ABC
Not screened by Foxtel

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The Goodies - Censored! was compiled by Matthew K. Sharp.
Copyright (C) 1996, Matthew K. Sharp. All rights reserved.
Script extracts copyright (C) 1970-1980 Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor.