Broadcast almost intact by ABC
* At 3'33", Joe Melia's line "Get stuffed!" has been overdubbed with the words "Get lost!". The substitution, presumably the voice of one of the ABC's backroom boys, has been put through a speech processor, in order to make the edit less noticeable. Instead it makes Melia sound like a dalek.
Total material deleted by ABC: 0'16"
* At 1'38", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'12"
GG: I know why he's all dressed up. He's after some bird.
TBT: If I was after some bird, I wouldn't need to dress up as a guardsman.
BO: No, that's true. Must be after some fella. (Laughs hard)
TBT: As a matter of fact it's Butcher.
GG: Butcher than what?
TBT: My great uncle Butcher.
GG: Oh yes.
TBT: I'm going to spend a weekend in the country with my great uncle Butcher Fitzsimmons.
* At 13'33", the audience laughter after the word "bums" has been cut. A very peculiar edit, this one. Presumably you can say "bum", but you can't draw attention to it by having the audience laughing. Silly. CUT = 0'01"
TBT: We hunting folk have it in our blood. And in our bums.
(Audience laughter cut in ABC version)
GG: Look, you do what you like...
* At 17'58", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'03"
TBT: I am going to get married.
GG: What? Who to?
TBT: The Honourable Lady Amanda Barrington-Phipps-Ponsonby-Ponsonby-Paddington-Waterloo-Charing-Cross-Crewe-Alexandra-Ackrington-Stanleigh-Dave-Dee-Dozy-Beaky-Mick-And-Tich-Carruthers-Carruthers-Smythe Junior. Known to her friends as "Big Knockers".
GG: Is, ah, is she pretty?
Broadcast intact by ABC
* At 15'18", between the end of the margarine advert and the start of Part Two, the ABC copy has two seconds more black than the Australian Foxtel version. Otherwise there is no difference.
Total material deleted by ABC: 0'36"
* At 6'09", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'02"WITCH: But soft! I feel a spirit approaching! Oh yes! Come, oh come, oh mystical one! Reveal yourself!
(Graeme enters, wearing a sandwich board which reads "World Crises Solved", and with a tray of 2p Orrible Airy Spiders around his neck.)
GG: Cor, I'm knackered.
WITCH: And I am a witch!
* At 13'59", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'03"(Bills picks up a book)
BO: Look at this one. "Witches' Manual Volume 1 - 180 Dances To Do Around The Camp Fire." Dear... Oh, what do you think that is?
(Bill shows Tim the book so the camera can see the picture he's referring to - a photo of a nude female taken from behind. Bill moves his hand to reveal the caption underneath.)
BO: A Bum In The Coven.
TBT: That's terrible! That's appalling! That's awful! You only get jokes like that in the...
BO & TBT: ...Sunday papers!
* At 15'31", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'22"
(Film sequence: Midnight on Clapham Common. All is dark and foreboding. We see a spiderweb with "Orrible Airy Spiders" printed on it. A fake spider drops down in front of it. Next, an owl with a cuckoo-clock beak. Then a pile of clothes laying in the bushes. Tim and Bill peak through the trees and see... a group of people moaning and dancing around a campfire, wearing only their underwear. Reaction shot of Tim & Bill, followed by more of the satanic dance. A reporter is hastily scribbling down notes, while his photographer takes a picture. Another brief shot of the dance. The photographer takes another few snaps, and we pan down to see his camera case - "News Of The Sun." The dancers suddenly break into a knees-up.
* At 18'58", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'09"
(Bill and Tim are dressed as virgins.)
TBT: We come about the job, sir.
GG: Who are you?
TBT: We're virgins, sir.
GG: A bit ropey, but I suppose you'll have to do. Well now, come closer, there's nothing to fear, my precious ones. Oh dear, can't you do something about that hair?
TBT: There! Told you so!
BO: Shut up!
TBT: Well, I did. Ooh, I must look a sight.
BO: Well it's no worse than me...
GG: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Are you sure you're virgins?
TBT: Yes sir.
GG: But she's (indicates Bill) got a beard.
TBT: That's why she's a virgin.
GG: Fair enough. Well, now that you're here, we may as well get on with the ceremony.
Broadcast almost intact by ABC
* At 5'35", the following words in italics have been cut from the audio track. The vision is uncut.
TBT: If we're going to have a launching, we'll have a proper boat launching.
BO: Who're you calling?
(Tim dials and we hear a voice from the phone. It is the Queen.)
QUEEN: Hello. This is a telephone answering machine. If you care to leave a message, my husband and I will call you back later.
TBT: Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: Don't mention it. Oh, if you want to us to attend any fetes, bazaars or boat launchings...
(Tim mouths "Boat Launchings" to the other two.)
QUEEN: ...get knotted. You can have the children, as long as you get them back before nine o'clock.
Broadcast almost intact by ABC
* At 17'05", the following words in italics have been cut from the audio track. The vision is uncut.
(Matron (Joan Sims) is sitting, knitting. The Goodies burst into the room, exhausted.)
MATRON: Oh, hello dears. Have you been having a nice time?
BO: No. We're knackered.
MATRON: Oh deary deary me, you poor little mites.
Duration: 29'40" (as broadcast by ABC)
Appears to have been cut by ABC
Not broadcast by Foxtel
As Foxtel did not broadcast this episode, the extent of editing by the ABC cannot be ascertained at this stage; however, the following are points where an "obvious" edit seems to have taken place.
* At 13'25" in the ABC copy, there is a possible edit at the point indicated. However, it may be just a poor edit made during production by the BBC.GG: Don't you sign a thing, son.
TBT: Let's have a look at that contract.
(Graeme holds it up - there are holes punched in the paper.)
GG: Dear dear, look at that. Full of loopholes.
TBT: And what's this... what's this about splitting his earnings fifty fifty?
ISABEL CHINTZ: Yes, that's right. For every fifty pounds he earns, he gives me fifty pounds.
TBT: That means you get everything.
ISABEL: Oh, details, details.
TBT: It's a good idea, Brian. Remember it.
GG: I will, Roger.
TBT: Yeah. Now, son, son, do not sign this.
GG: Yeah, you stick with us, son. You can trust us.
TBT: If he can tru... he's got to trust us, hasn't he? I don't want this kid upset, right?
GG: No, you can't trust her. She'll just lead you astray, she will.
TBT: Bleed you dry.
BO: No, no.
(EDIT - at the same point at the vision cuts, the audio seems to have a bit missing - in particular, the word "That" is obviously missing, possibly because it was said over a laugh.)
BO: ...no way to talk about a lady. No. I know you two, you're just after my money. Yeah, you find out who your friends are now, don't you. Come, Isabel, let us ignore this parasites.
ISABEL: Yes, let's.
BO: I shall sign your contract. I'm going to be a star. (sings) Once in a lifetime, a man has a moment...
(Bill takes Isabel's arm and they walk out - seeming out the side wall of the office.)
TBT: That boy's got a good voice.
GG: He has. We'll get him on The Golden Shot.
TBT: Get him on The Golden Shot.
GG & TBT (dropping Jewish accents): What are we talking about? Look, we've got to stop him.
* At 16'27" and 16'48" in the ABC copy, there are two obvious edits at the points indicated.
ISABEL: You are gonna star in a new rock musical. And this is it: Saint Augustine - Superstar.
TBT: That sounds rather nice.
ISABEL: Don't you believe it. He's Saint Augustine.
TBT (horrified): Him!
ISABEL: Oh yes yes yes. He's pure, he's good and he's holy, but above all he's unbearably sexy.
TBT: No he's not.
BO: Yes he is!
ISABEL: He's got all the girls screaming for him...
BO: Yes! Yes!
ISABEL: So what does he do?
(OBVIOUS EDIT #1)
ISABEL: He goes into a monastery.
TBT, GG & BO: He WHAT?
ISABEL: Yes, along with all the fellas, you see what I mean?
(She nudges Tim suggestively.)
GG: Oh, come off it. Saint Augustine wasn't a.... nancy.
ISABEL: He is in here. To an extent.
TBT: How much of an extent?
ISABEL: A large extent.
(Shot of Tim smiling down at Bill. Then... OBVIOUS EDIT #2 followed a sudden burst of laughter.)
BO: Yeah, yeah, but what about me groupies, miss? I don't want...
ISABEL: Oh, don't worry, hun. This way you get everybody going for you. See, the butch fellas like you 'cause you're not after their sheilas, the sheilas like you 'cause they want to convert you, and you even score in the twilight zone.
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The Goodies - Censored! was compiled by Matthew K. Sharp.
Copyright (C) 1996, Matthew K. Sharp. All rights reserved.
Script extracts copyright (C) 1970-1980 Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor.