The Goodies - Censored!


  1. Scotland
  2. The Commonwealth Games
  3. Pollution
  4. The Lost Tribe
  5. The Music Lovers
  6. Culture For The Masses
  7. Kitten Kong
  8. Wicked Waltzing
  9. Farm Fresh Food
  10. Women's Lib
  11. Gender Education
  12. Charity Bounce
  13. The Baddies
  14. Montreux '72

2-1 Scotland
Duration: 30'54"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-2 The Commonwealth Games
Surviving duration: 28'36"
Total material deleted by ABC: ???

As the only surviving print of this episode is the edited ABC print, it is difficult to tell at this stage what exactly has been deleted during what has come to be known as "The Sex Test Sequence". The following transcription, which starts at 9'14", is what remains.

(The Goodies are surveying the raddled old bunch of bowler-hatted MPs the Minister of Sport (Reginald Marsh) has announced are Britain's Commonwealth Games team.)
GG: This is the whole team, is it?
Minister: Yes, it is indeed, yes. They'll represent us at the games, provided, of course, that they pass one little final technicality.
(During this line the Minister has been wandering around the office, opening and closing the doors.)
GG: What's that?
Minister: The Sex Test.
(There is a very brief shot of the "team", and a slight sound which sounds like Tim is about to say something. Then a sudden cut to the Minister sitting and reading.)
Minister: Failed?!?
(A girl (Valerie Stanton) wearing only negligee, has suddenly appeared.)
Girl: Yes sir, all of them.
(Reaction shot from the Minister, then a whacking great obvious edit with a sudden vision jump, and a laugh bursting in that is obviously in reaction to the cut portion. The girl's next line is half lost in the cut and half obscured by the laugh.)
Girl: ...pass, sir.
Minister: Oh dear! Now we haven't got a team for the games.
TBT: Well we mustn't let that stand in our way, sir.
Minister: You're quite right. You must do it.
TBT: Oh no, we're...
Minister: For England.
BO: We'd rather do it for money.
TBT: It would be a great honour to represent our country, sir.
Minister: Provided, of course, that you pass the Sex Test.
Girl: Oh, there won't be any need for that, sir.
Minister: Why not?
(The girl whispers something in the Minister's ear. The Goodies glance around the room guiltily.)
(It almost looks like there's been another cut here, but the sequence seems to flow OK.)
Minister: Oh well, that's settled then.
TBT: Thank you. Oh, by the way, where are the games being held?
Minister: August Bank Holiday Island, of course. Your flight leaves in half an hour. So if I were you I'd get in some training.
(Bill makes a lunge at the girl.)
Minister: Foster!
(The girl leaves, and Bill looks frustrated. Cut to film sequence.)

2-3 Pollution
Duration: 29'10"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-4 The Lost Tribe
Duration: 28'55"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-5 The Music Lovers
Duration: 30'54"
Broadcast intact by ABC
Total material deleted on Australian Foxtel screening: 1'59"

Although the ABC have broadcast this episode intact, its airing on Foxtel saw the removal of just under two minutes of footage, probably all for music clearance reasons.

* At 10'40", during the Seven Day Music Festival, two sequences of the Goodies as a string trio and as gospel singers have been cut. CUT = 0'34"

* At 18'03", when the Music Master is showing off his captives, a shot has been cut in which Gerald opens a cell and we hear Cilla Black singing, and Bill shouts "Oh, no, oh no no, it's Cilla, it's setting me teeth on edge! Close the door!". CUT = 0'08"

* At 21'46", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'11"

TBT: They're going to kill us!
Master: Oh no, something much worse! You're going to be locked up in a cell with... Rolf Harris!
(We hear "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport", and the Goodies start screaming - "No! No! Kill us! Anything!)
BO: I've got an idea.
TBT: Bill's got an idea.
Master: All right. But this is your last chance!

BO: All right, hang on, hang on.

* At 23'13", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'18"

GG: Come on out Rolf! No hard feelings, eh?
TBT: Come on you lads, out you come!
(Tim opens Cilla Black's cell and we hear her singing)
BO: Not Cilla! Don't let Cilla out! Don't let her out!
TBT: Why? What's wrong?
BO: Oh, those high notes! It's not fair on the world, is it?
(Tim opens the door again to hear a bit more Cilla)
BO: I'm right.
TBT: You're right.
(Tim shuts and bolts the cell door)
TBT: Sorry Cilla!
BO: Bye bye, Cilla!
GG: Come on!

(Cut to film shot of musicians escaping.)

* At 24'58", a sequence has been cut of the Goodies stopping during the chase and playing Brahm's Lullaby, which puts their pursuers to sleep - and puts the Goodies to sleep too, which in turn wakes the henchmen up. CUT = 0'43"

* At 27'20", the following section in italics has been cut. CUT = 0'15"

(Tim blows a bugle to summons backup. To the strains of Beethoven's Fifth, we see a string orchestra rise over the hilltops. The Music Master looks around, worried. The conductor gives the signal to aim, at which point the violinists raise their violins like bows & arrows. The Music Master again casts a worried glance. The conductor gives the signal to fire, and the Music Master is showered in flying violin bows.)

2-6 Culture For The Masses
Duration: 29'01"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-7 Kitten Kong
Duration: 30 mins approx
Episode thought to be no longer extant

See also: Montreux '72

2-8 Wicked Waltzing
Duration: 28'10"

As the B/W kinescope aired on Foxtel is the one recovered from Australia, we can only presume that this is a complete version, as there seem to be no cuts; at least, no crashingly obvious ones like in The Commonwealth Games.

2-9 Farm Fresh Food
Duration: 30'41"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-10 Women's Lib
Duration: 28'30"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-11 Gender Education
Duration: 29'34"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-12 Charity Bounce
Duration: 30'10"
Broadcast intact by ABC

2-13 The Baddies
Duration: 30'34"

This episode has not been broadcast by the ABC since 1975, and subsequently available versions (from Australia's Ten Network and Britain's UK Gold) have been obviously less than complete. The following therefore lists material which is in the Australian Foxtel screening that does not appear in other versions.

* At 10'41", the following section in italics has been cut from the British UK Gold version. The Australian commercial version also omits this section, cutting to a (real) ad break instead. CUT = 1'30"

GG: We've got to find some nice person dummies and follow them. Here, let's see that list. Who hasn't been discredited yet?
TBT: Er, Doctor Petal?
GG: That's no good, we don't know what we looks like.
BO: No no no, hang on, look at all this lot. Nuns, scouts...
GG: Yes, well there's all of them. Let's go out and look for them and if they're not being as nice as they should be we follow them, right?
TBT & BO: Right.
(They exit the police station.)
(Film sequence - outside Brewer St police station. The Goodies start walking down the entry ramp, but stop in horror when they see a Salvation Army band across the road playing The Stripper as one of the female Salvos strips down to her black lacy underwear. The Goodies walk over to investigate, but find that the band are all dummies. The trio then pass a bishop hawking birth control from a suitcase marked "The Pill!", and see a boy scout playing chicken with traffic by pushing an old lady out in front of cars and pulling her back just in time. Nearby is a van marked "Uncle Jolly", which purports to be an icecream van, but the children customers are rounded up into the van, and when the door is closed it reveals a sign: "Uncle Jolly's Meat Pies". A group of nuns rollerskates past, and into a bank. We hear gunfire and screams, and the nuns skate out again with their ill-gotten gains.)
(The group of nuns rollerskate through a car park, pursued by the Goodies. Cut to the nuns skating into a big country house. The Goodies follow, but the door slams in their faces. Bill pounds on the door, demanding to be let in. Tim simply opens the unlocked door, and they enter. Cut back to studio.)

* At 14'06", the "End Of Part One" caption, the Long Distance Telephone Call advert, and the "Part Two" caption have all been cut. CUT = 0'40"

SP-1 Montreux '72
Duration: 29'01"
Broadcast almost intact by ABC
Video issue (BBCV 5391) is complete

* At 17'25" in the ABC screening, the word "bloody" has been cut from the audio track. The vision is uncut.

BO: Oh, Tim! I haven't seen him for a heck of a long time.
(Tim bursts in)
TBT: Four days! Four bloody days I've been up that tree.
(Although, to me, this sounds more like "ruddy" than "bloody" - and "ruddy" is an allowed word, since it appears at the start of this episode.)

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The Goodies - Censored! was compiled by Matthew K. Sharp.
Copyright (C) 1996, Matthew K. Sharp. All rights reserved.
Script extracts copyright (C) 1970-1980 Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor.