Identity Quest Man, Woman or Other? 1975

I felt so alive - being a girl - I wanted to remember it. I bought a camera - a good camera - a Pentax SPF. I needed the photos of me as a woman to help me get through the days when I was pretending to be a boy.

This identity quest took almost two decades; and was the longest period of my life. It was if I was locked in a never ending loop. And just in case you get sick of reading this segment - I certainly got sick of living it - I'll tell you what happens so you can skip to the next page if you wish. I didn't know who I was so I tried every stereotype I could think of and eventually realised I really wanted to be myself.

Logically it still made no sense. Why couldn't I be happy as a male; it seemed that most men were happy being male. I wanted to be a woman.

I thought transgendered had the "dress sense" gene.

Maybe I'm really gay and am just too homophobic to admit it?

I looked for any excuse to dress as a woman; parties especially fancy dress parties; be a party girl. People expected me to look male; I could do it; but I didn't find it as joyful and freeing going as a woman.

I could always go shopping on my days off. I enjoyed taking public transport it seemed I was relating to the world as a woman. I didn't like be laughed at; I tried to pass as a woman. Most women don't wear lots of make-up; they look rather ordinary. If I want to be ordinary - dress ordinary. OK! I'll admit it - I was inappropriately ordinary.

But ordinary is boring. Be elegant, sophisticated - I don't think I know how? Sometimes I seem to totally misjudge and look terrible - but I shouldn't think that. Study hard!

Hormones and waxing and electrolysis and girly hair help me pass better - look more feminine. But hormones and a perm make me a very feminine looking male. If I have to be male at least I can be a feminine male.

Everyone at work still thinks I'm a boy - I can't bear to say man. - I'm sort of keeping it together.

I need excuses to dress up bigger and better. I could go to clubs - you know where they encourage that dressing up sort of thing.

I can build a fence; but I'm still wearing fallen down knee-high stocking things.

I want to look good - I want to improve my technique. I do make-up classes. I learn dress making. I try lots of differnt images at home in front of my camera - most of these looks don't make it out of the house.

I tell my family nothing.

	But still I wanted more! I know! - I could take holidays en femme. I was so depressed when I had to change back.

This is all very silly. Why don't I just admit I'm male and learn to deal with it. I stop taking hormones. It's very stressful being half-way.

Guess who has discovered heated rollers?

One of the Christian Brothers told me that girls walk with their feet one behind the other and boys walk feet side by side.

Maybe I could do it professionally - a waitress? or a drag queen. I tried it at home; it sort of seemed pointless.

I wish I didn't have such a hairy face.

I could learn acting and singing and do my own songs and I'd have an excuse.

I'm sure this isn't acting; it is still dressing up.

I want to understand. I study Biology. I go back to University to finish my degree. I can then get a job as a woman. I get my degree. I don't think I couldn't cope with the pressure of being a transsexual - I want to be a real woman.

I get depressed looking like a male so I take hormones again and look feminine again.

I am expending so much of my energy every day of my life just dealing with not being a women. I'm sick of this obsessivness! It is dominating my life and stopping me feeling and growing.