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Falling Apart



School?
I go but I'm rarely there

My dreams
I'm there

 


not fitting in   not fitting in   not fitting in   not fitting in
not fitting in   not fitting in   not fitting in   not fitting in

First Broadmeadows  

It was coming up to Christmas and they wanted, one of us cubs to be the virgin Mary, in the nativity play. I was desperate to be the virgin Mary. But it was only OK for boys to dress up as girls .... if they had to ... and as long as they didn't enjoy it .... But I knew I couldn't hide my joy - So I squirmed to get out of it.

 



 


I sit up in trees
I feel safe in trees.
I enjoy being an altar boy ... the dressing up .. the theatre. I desperately wanted to be a girl. I did dress up ... felt guilty - swore to never do it again.

 
 
 


I am a rabbit frozen in the headlights of an on coming car.


  Our Lady of Mount
Carmel, Christian Brothers College,
Middle Park, 1963
  Our Lady of Mount
Carmel, Christian Brothers College,
Middle Park, 1966

The Christian Brothers use violence as a teaching method. The formula is simple 6 spelling mistakes ... 6 cuts across the hand with a leather strap. I enjoy science and latin and history - I hide in my books.

  second row from
 front on far left   note the prefect badge   I enjoyed my books

I choose science not humanities - science is black and white - humanities is .... well ? I am scared to give an opinion - lest my transgender slip-out-in-some-inadvertent-way.



I am the eldest of nine children - I am to be a priest.


 

We are given lots of second hand clothes - I take some girls' clothes for my self - I feel guilty - I throw them away and swear to never do it again - I dream to be a girl.

Desperate Times
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© Copyright Julie Peters 1999