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I just couldn't reconcile my male body post puberty, my desperate
urge to be female, my belief there was no solution, the catholic
pressure, my severe guilt, my brothers wanting a `manly' elder
brother and the immense social pressure to be masculine.
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I went through periods of manically working at
school, periods of total inaction, watching television in a trance,
sitting up in trees, riding my bicycle for hours and hours, walking
by the beach, sitting on Hook Pier during wild storms.
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I don't fit anywhere! - why do they say I'm male? - drinking helps
me forget!
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I started an Engineering degree at 17. I couldn't
focus. I tried to fit in; to drink; I was sick; I knew I didn't fit
in; I joined every club I could; I studied Engineering so I didn't
have to face how I felt; but whenever I stopped for even a split
second the wanting-to-be-a-woman thoughts came back.
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I was not really
functioning very well; I was just keeping my head above water; I
couldn't shave I just couldn't look in a mirror; I wasn't even
brushing my teeth; I started to go to the psychology lectures; I
needed some answers; a women I knew from the film society said she
thought men who had beards were hiding something yes I said I agree
she looked shocked; inside I was screaming but
couldn't express even the simplest feeling; Catholicism was twisting
my mind; get away; I quit engineering; study psychology; I needed to
find out how to fix myself I couldn't tell anyone they'd think I was
a weird sicko freak; of course I failed psych; I totally missed the
point; get a job can't cope with the pressure of uni; I worked
backstage at uni; that's it work in theatre;
television will do I get a job at Auntie.
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I drive fast - I drink fast - It could be over very soon
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An accident
could happen and I'd have no more stress!! - what a sweet sweet
thought
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A woman at Uni said she thought that men with beards were trying to
hide something
"yes" I said
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