Here is a collection of interesting remarks, ASCII art, email and newgroups signatures and various bits and pieces which I have encountered over the years. It is probably indicative of my Pythonesque neo-techo computer-nerd sense of humour. I hope it brings a smile or two :-) :-) That's all they are here for. You can waste two minutes of your precious web-surfing time here and I will be content if you go away happy, never to return.
© Human race anarcho-communist collective (Is Dennis still their representative?)
The authors are blantantly copied without their permission or knowledge. (But hey, I'm sure they wanted the free publicity!!)
Warning: This page may be offensive to some people, and for that I apologise in advance.
Glenn
[Glenn's Home Page] [Glenn's Interest Page]
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981
PATUI - (Pathetical Text User Interface)
"How do you make an Apple Macintosh go faster? "You want me to believe it, prove it."
"Perception is everything, reality is incidental"
One is bald, "If the only tool you have is a hammer every job looks like a nail."
Gritty 2.0: Use DoubleSpace on your wristwatch & Voila! 48 hour day
If a synchronized swimmer drowns does that mean the others have to drown too?
"I haven't lost my mind; "I used to live in a Global village until they pulled it down
to build the Information Superhighway, where I now live
in a Virtual Reality"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read." - Groucho Marx
... BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal port not responding.
In protest of the censorship of the Internet by the United States
Government I am including the word "f**k" in this .sig file and shall
continue to do so until the Exon Amendment to the Telecommunications
Deregulation Bill is struck down or repealed.
My reality check just bounced.
Old Statisticians never die. They just get broken down by age and sex.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do? "i usta cuDn't speL enjinere, noW i ar wuN"
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect
it." PLEASE: Will the monkey among all you infinitely-typing
monkeys that typed out the complete works of Shakespeare
please, please tell the rest of us infinitely-typing
monkeys... so we can quit typing and go home!!!!!!!!!!!!
Win*ows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for
a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded
for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that
can't stand 1 bit of competition. -Rev. Pee Kitty
Win95 Error: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
TIPS FOR SUCCESS : Always give 100% at work ....
Mon: 12% Tue: 23% Wed: 40% Thu: 20% Fri: 5%
A big-endian and a little-endian have been spotted sitting at a
campfire nibling on bytes and pointing at each other as they
argued about who got hit with the most errors.
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk ?
1+1=3 for very large values of 1
What is Windows 95/98? It is 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a
16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally written for a 4 bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of
competition!
"[Humans] are also large, expensive to maintain, difficult to manage,
and they pollute the environment. It is astonishing that these
devices continue to be manufactured and deployed."Pithy remarks
Throw it harder!"
one is in college,
and one marches.
All are identical.
I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere,
but I have upgraded to an incompatable tape drive!"
They lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Gene Spafford, 1992, quoted in a Joel Snyder article in Internet_World, Nov/Dec 1994, p.94
-- Kaufman, Perlman, and Speciner. Network Security - Private Communication in a Public World.
ASCII Art
\\|// \\|// \\|// \\|//
/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \
\/---| o o || o o || o o || o o |----\/
\ (o | |O \\|//O \\|//O \\|//O || o) /
- O\| \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ |/O -
/ (o - o | o o || o o || o o | o - o) \
/\--- o O---OoOOO--O--OOOoO---O o ---/\
\/--\/--8 8--\/--\/
\ (o\ (o| Craig Warford |o) /o) /
- O O WAR O O -
/ (o/ (o| spanner@uthscsa.edu |o) \o) \
/\--/\--8 8--/\--/\
\/--- o O---OoOOO--O--OOOoO---O o ---\/
\ (o - o | o o || o o || o o | o - o) /
- O/| /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ |\O -
/ (o || O//|\\ O//|\\ O//|\\ O| | o) \
/\----| o o || o o || o o || o o |---/\
\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /
//|\\ //|\\ //|\\ //|\\
,())))),
,()))))))),. >>huh-huh<< ,---,,,_
()))))))//((\ Check it out, ( ))
(\\( \))( \(/) Beavis...we're, ( )
/( \\ like, in "ASS-kee." ( )
// _ \ >>huh-huh-huh<< (_(_(((( )
// \ / \ / ( , \ )
\ (. . \ / | / ) )
(, | ,) Yeah. >>heh-heh<< |\ / ( )
\ ^\/^ / That's COOL! Hey, (.(.) S )
\ / Butt-Head...you're /_ \ )
\ (-()-) / an "ASS-kee." \ /__) ^ \/
\ -- / >>heh-heh<< /____/ |
\ __ / )______ |
| | //\/\\/\//\/\//\/\\\/\ \ |
__-|__|-__ \ / __-\__|-__
( ) > BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD < ( )
|_|AC//DC|_| / \ |_| MTVu |_|
| | | | \/\//\/\\/\\/\//\//\/\ TM | | | |
|||||||||| \\\\ ////
(0) (0) A normal \\\\\/////
/\ programmer (o-o)(o-o) A normal
(oo) /\ programmer
________ (oo) AFTER working
(________) UU on a project
___/~~\___ for 10 hours.
( ) Tries to run it,
\ / gets an error, and
\_ _/ his computer freezes
(|) then he realizes he
U never saved it!!!!!
\0/ \0/ \ \ / / \0/ \0/ \0/ \ \ / / \0/ \0/
| / /) | (\ | | / /) | (\ \ |
__/ \___/\___/0\___/0\___/0\___/ \___/ \___/\___/0\___/0\___/0\___/\___/ \__
..::''''::..
.:::. .;'' ``;.
.... ::::: :: :: :: ::
,;' .;: () ..: `:::' :: :: :: ::
::. ..:,:;.,:;. . :: .::::. `:' :: .:' :: :: `:. ::
'''::, :: :: :: `:: :: ;: .:: : :: : : ::
,:'; ::; :: :: :: :: :: ::,::''. . :: `:. .:' ::
`:,,,,;;' ,;; ,;;, ;;, ,;;, ,;;, `:,,,,:' :;: `;..``::::''..;'
``::,,,,::''
,----------------------.
/ If you understand it, \
/ then it's obsolete! /
\ _______,--------------'
_ |/
oo\
(__)\ _
U\ \ .' `.
\ \ / \
\ '" \
. ( ) \
'-| )__| :. \
| | | | \ '.
c__; c__; '-..'>.....
._______________________________________.
| |
/\__/\ | Jamie Jennings |
/ O O\_| spanner1@thezone.net |
/ \ Newfoundland, Canada |
/ \ \ www.geocities.com/Heartland/7348/ |
/ _ \ \____________________________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __)
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
___/ / | | |
!____/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c
,,,
''
"Have you beered YOUR cat today?" ''
''
,,,'''',,, ''
,,''''''''''''''',, ''
/\.../\''''''''''''''''''''',, ,,''
( o o )''''''''''''''''''''''''''
=== ^ === '''''''''''''''''''''
come \ o /''''''' ''''''''
puss... ''' ''''' ''''''
.. / '''' WiNoJoE ''''
[]o O .. ''' c/o '''
\/|\_o[] '' madrulli@ ''
| '' airmail.net ''
/ \ '' ''
._/ \_. WW WW
,,, ,,,
| ^ ^ |
[ 0 = ] _ _____
(~~~~~~-oOOo-(_)-oOOo-~~~~~~~~~) _ _ _(_\_____o /_/_ |
( P.Spoon@The Hi-End Haven(tm) ) >-----._/_/__]>
(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) `0 |
_....._
.\:\:/:/.
/=\_.@._/=\ 666 is exactly 2.138 times the height of the
/==/ _ _ \==\ pyramid of Cheops and if we multiply the height
/==( - )==\ of the pyramid by 3.36 million, we get the EXACT,
|===\ = /===| let me repeat that - EXACT - distance to the moon.
\====|-V-|====/ This next part is much more than just mere coinci-
\===| |===/ dence: if you drop the zeros off 3.36 million and
|==| |==| then add the 3 to the 36, you get a figure which
'=.| |.=' is EXACTLY equal to the age that Bill Gates would
have been on his 39th birthday.
This provides CONCLUSIVE proof that Bill Gates is either an extraterrestrial
or a pyramid.
.:\:/:.
+-------------------+ .:\:\:/:/:.
| STOP QUOTING THIS | :.:\:\:/:/:.:
| STUPID LAME JOKE | :=.' - - '.=:
| PLEASE | '=(\ 9 9 /)='
| Thank you, | ( (_) )
| Tom | /`-vvv-'\
+-------------------+ / \
| | @@@ / /|,,,,,|\ \
| | @@@ /_// /^\ \\_\
@x@@x@ | | |/ WW( ( ) )WW
\||||/ | | \| __\,,\ /,,/__
\||/ | | | jgs (______Y______)
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Lists of Rules, Reasons and Acronyms
Top Ten Reasons: "Men Prefer Computers to Women"
1.) Computers will take a 3-1/2 floppy and be happy about it.
10 rules of Newsgroup reading! (and posting)
Computer Industry Acronyms
| PCMCIA | People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms |
| ISDN | It Still Does Nothing |
| APPLE | Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity |
| SCSI | System Can't See It |
| DOS | Defective Operating System |
| BASIC | Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control |
| IBM | I Blame Microsoft |
| DEC | Do Expect Cuts |
| CD-ROM | Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months |
| OS/2 | Obsolete Soon, Too |
| WWW | World Wide Wait |
| MACINTOSH | Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs |
| PENTIUM | Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics |
| COBOL | Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language |
| AMIGA | A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction |
| LISP | Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis |
| MIPS | Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed |
| WINDOWS | Will Install Needless Data On Whole System |
| GIRO | Garbage In Rubbish Out |
| MICROSOFT | Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers |
Some of these are repeating themselves but theres some good ones nontheless.
| Helmet-mounted mirror | Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you |
| Car windscreen sun-shade | Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place |
| Car steering lock | Warning-- Remove lock before driving |
| Korean kitchen knife | Keep out of children |
| Juggling balls | This product contains small granules under 3 millimetres. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA |
| Nytol sleeping tablets | Warning: May cause drowsiness |
| Inflatable toy saxaphone | This item is not to be used as a life preserver or swimming aid |
| Inflatable plastic bottle for advertising Brown Ale | Do not use as a life-saving device |
| Chinese packet of peanuts | Open packet and eat contents |
| Salted peanuts | Contains nuts |
| House-plant | For ornamental use and should not be consumed |
| Shampoo | Use repeadedly for severe damage |
| Bread and butter pudding | Take care: product will be hot after heating |
| Camera | This camera only works when there is film inside |
| Flavoured milk drink | After opening, keep upright |
| Electric clothes iron | Warning! Never iron clothes on the body |
| Chain saw | Do not stop the chain with hands |
| Windscreen de-icing spray | Spray works in sub-zero temperatures |
| Insect spray | Kills all kinds of insects. Warning: This spray is harmful to bees |
| Insect repellant cream | This product is harmful to fish |
| Sono-bouy | Protect from seawater |
| Steam iron | Do not allow this unit to be exposed to rain or moisture |
| Japanese pile relief product | Lie down on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet |
| Aerosol fly and wasp killer | Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges and other flying insects. Not tested on animals |
| Ibuprofen tablets | Do not take if allergic to Ibuprofen or any other ingredients |
| Installation Guide contained in computer packing boxes | To avoid condensation forming, please allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening |
Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style
chain letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin.
Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave wall
on the slopes of Kilimanjaro.
MAKE POINTY STICKS FAST!!!
Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way.
Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk
spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat
leaves, berries. Urk flee from wolves.
Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many pointy
sticks. Urk tell how.
WHAT DO: make one pointy stick and take to cave places below. Add own
cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message
on walls many caves. Wait. Many pointy sticks soon come! This not
crime! Urk ask shaman, gods say okay.
HERE LIST:
1) Urk
First cave
Olduvai Gorge
few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree
by lake shaped like mammoth
few) Og
big rock with overhang
near pig game trail
Many) Zog
river caves
where river meet big water
Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.
© Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it.
Bright vixens jump; dozy fowl quack. How quickly daft jumping zebras vex. Quick bright vixens jump a dozy wolf. Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz. Prize fowl vexed him just by quacking. Waltz, dumb nymph, for quick jigs vex. The five boxing wizards jumped quickly. Brazen old wives fight a quick jumpy ox. Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs. Sympathizing would fix Quaker objectives. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Broach five lumpy quahogs with a junked zax. Quiz forgiven lads who jump back over your fix. Young frogs jump back quickly if zapped with six volts. Vigorously eat quixotic zweibacks, fresh jam, and prunes. Justly vexed, the Queen exiled the calligrapher who spattered some black ink on her dozing dog. New job: fix Mr. Gluck's hazy TV, PDQ! Exactly 26 letters! (plus punctuation and capitalization)
(Read this aloud, if you can!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.
by Mike Stay You think I got zero knowledge, But I know you done me wrong. Just commit to me baby, So's I can sing a happier song! One bit of commitment, That's all I really need, So send me your hashed answer And the random seed. I got the bit commitment, bit commitment blues. I got the (thump thump hmmm...) bit commitment blues. I ain't oblivious, darlin', And honey, I ain't blind. Don't need sublim'nal channels To read your cheatin' mind. I'll share a secret with you: I know you hand out a public key. But why's it to the apartment That you're sharin' with me? I got the bit commitment, bit commitment blues. I got the (thump thump hmmm...) bit commitment blues. You say you love me, baby, But you flirt with other guys. You say you want me, honey, But I see you wink your eye. You say you need me, Alice, Now forgive me if I sob; You know my name is Charlie, So quit hangin' out with Bob! I got the bit commitment, bit commitment blues. I got the (thump thump hmmm...) bit commitment blues.
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