Glenn's Little Collection of Internet Humour

Here is a collection of interesting remarks, ASCII art, email and newgroups signatures and various bits and pieces which I have encountered over the years. It is probably indicative of my Pythonesque neo-techo computer-nerd sense of humour. I hope it brings a smile or two :-) :-) That's all they are here for. You can waste two minutes of your precious web-surfing time here and I will be content if you go away happy, never to return.

© Human race anarcho-communist collective (Is Dennis still their representative?)

The authors are blantantly copied without their permission or knowledge. (But hey, I'm sure they wanted the free publicity!!)

Warning: This page may be offensive to some people, and for that I apologise in advance.

Glenn

What have I got ?

Links to other humourous pages

[Glenn's Home Page] [Glenn's Interest Page]


Pithy remarks

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981

PATUI - (Pathetical Text User Interface)

"How do you make an Apple Macintosh go faster?
Throw it harder!"

"You want me to believe it, prove it."

"Perception is everything, reality is incidental"

One is bald,
one is in college,
and one marches.
All are identical.

"If the only tool you have is a hammer every job looks like a nail."

Gritty 2.0: Use DoubleSpace on your wristwatch & Voila! 48 hour day

If a synchronized swimmer drowns does that mean the others have to drown too?

"I haven't lost my mind;
I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere,
but I have upgraded to an incompatable tape drive!"

"I used to live in a Global village until they pulled it down to build the Information Superhighway, where I now live in a Virtual Reality"

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

... BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal port not responding.

In protest of the censorship of the Internet by the United States Government I am including the word "f**k" in this .sig file and shall continue to do so until the Exon Amendment to the Telecommunications Deregulation Bill is struck down or repealed.

My reality check just bounced.

Old Statisticians never die. They just get broken down by age and sex.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do?
They lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

"i usta cuDn't speL enjinere, noW i ar wuN"

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
Gene Spafford, 1992, quoted in a Joel Snyder article in Internet_World, Nov/Dec 1994, p.94

PLEASE: Will the monkey among all you infinitely-typing monkeys that typed out the complete works of Shakespeare please, please tell the rest of us infinitely-typing monkeys... so we can quit typing and go home!!!!!!!!!!!!

Win*ows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition. -Rev. Pee Kitty

Win95 Error: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS : Always give 100% at work .... Mon: 12% Tue: 23% Wed: 40% Thu: 20% Fri: 5%

A big-endian and a little-endian have been spotted sitting at a campfire nibling on bytes and pointing at each other as they argued about who got hit with the most errors.

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk ?

1+1=3 for very large values of 1

What is Windows 95/98? It is 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally written for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition!

"[Humans] are also large, expensive to maintain, difficult to manage, and they pollute the environment. It is astonishing that these devices continue to be manufactured and deployed."
-- Kaufman, Perlman, and Speciner. Network Security - Private Communication in a Public World.

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ASCII Art


      \\|//  \\|//  \\|//  \\|//
     / ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \
\/---| o o || o o || o o || o o |----\/
\ (o | |O \\|//O \\|//O \\|//O ||  o) /
-   O\| \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ ~ ~ \/ |/O   -
/ (o - o | o o || o o || o o | o - o) \
/\--- o O---OoOOO--O--OOOoO---O o ---/\
\/--\/--8                     8--\/--\/
\ (o\ (o| Craig Warford       |o) /o) /
-   O   O WAR                 O   O   -
/ (o/ (o| spanner@uthscsa.edu |o) \o) \
/\--/\--8                     8--/\--/\
\/--- o O---OoOOO--O--OOOoO---O o ---\/
\ (o - o | o o || o o || o o | o - o) /
-   O/| /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ |\O   -
/ (o  || O//|\\ O//|\\ O//|\\ O| | o) \
/\----| o o || o o || o o || o o |---/\
      \ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /\ ~ ~ /
       //|\\  //|\\  //|\\  //|\\

   ,())))),
 ,()))))))),.       >>huh-huh<<         ,---,,,_
 ()))))))//((\     Check it out,       (         ))
(\\( \))( \(/)    Beavis...we're,     (            )
/(          \\  like, in "ASS-kee."   (            )
//       _   \    >>huh-huh-huh<<     (_(_((((     )
//   \  /    \   /                     (    , \    )
\   (.  .    \  /                      |   /   )   )
(,     |    ,)     Yeah. >>heh-heh<<   |\ /    (   )
 \   ^\/^   /      That's COOL! Hey,   (.(.)    S  )
 \          /     Butt-Head...you're    /_       \ )
  \ (-()-) /         an "ASS-kee."  \  /__)   ^   \/
   \  --  /           >>heh-heh<<       /____/    |
    \ __ /                             )______    |
     |  |       //\/\\/\//\/\//\/\\\/\        \   |
  __-|__|-__   \                      /     __-\__|-__
 (          )  > BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD <    (          )
 |_|AC//DC|_|  /                      \    |_| MTVu |_|
 | |      | |   \/\//\/\\/\\/\//\//\/\ TM  | |      | |

    ||||||||||                   \\\\  ////
     (0)  (0)   A normal         \\\\\/////
        /\      programmer       (o-o)(o-o)      A normal
       (oo)                          /\          programmer
     ________                       (oo)         AFTER working
    (________)                       UU          on a project
                                 ___/~~\___      for 10 hours.
                                 (         )     Tries to run it,
                                  \       /      gets an error, and
                                   \_   _/       his computer freezes
                                     (|)         then he realizes he
                                      U          never saved it!!!!!

  \0/    \0/ \     \ /     /   \0/   \0/    \0/ \     \ /     / \0/    \0/
   |     /   /)     |     (\    |     |     /   /)     |     (\   \     |
__/ \___/\___/0\___/0\___/0\___/ \___/ \___/\___/0\___/0\___/0\___/\___/ \__


                                                     ..::''''::..
                                           .:::.   .;''        ``;.
   ....                                    :::::  ::    ::  ::    ::
 ,;' .;:                ()  ..:            `:::' ::     ::  ::     ::
 ::.      ..:,:;.,:;.    .   ::   .::::.    `:'  :: .:' ::  :: `:. ::
  '''::,   ::  ::  ::  `::   ::  ;:   .::    :   ::  :          :  ::
,:';  ::;  ::  ::  ::   ::   ::  ::,::''.    .    :: `:.      .:' ::
`:,,,,;;' ,;; ,;;, ;;, ,;;, ,;;, `:,,,,:'   :;:    `;..``::::''..;'
                                                     ``::,,,,::''

       ,----------------------.
      / If you understand it,  \
     /   then it's obsolete!   /
     \  _______,--------------'
    _ |/
   oo\
  (__)\       _
   U\  \    .'  `.
     \  \  /      \
      \  '"        \
       .       (  ) \
        '-| )__| :.  \
          | |  | | \  '.
         c__; c__;  '-..'>.....

                        ._______________________________________.
                        |                                       |
                /\__/\  |    Jamie Jennings                     |
               /   O O\_|    spanner1@thezone.net               |
              /          \   Newfoundland, Canada               |
             /      \     \  www.geocities.com/Heartland/7348/  |
            /   _    \     \____________________________________!
           /    |\____\     \      ||
          /     | | | |\____/      ||
         /       \| | | |/ |      _||
        /  /  \   -------  |_____| ||
       /   |   |           |       __)
       |   |   |           |_____  __)
       |  |_|_|_|          |     \___)
       /\                  |       !!
      / /\        |        /
     / /  |       |       |
 ___/ /   |       |       |
!____/    c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c

                                                   ,,,
                                                  ''
 "Have you beered YOUR cat today?"               ''
                                                 ''
                              ,,,'''',,,         ''
                         ,,''''''''''''''',,      ''
                 /\.../\''''''''''''''''''''',, ,,''
                (  o o  )''''''''''''''''''''''''''
                === ^ === '''''''''''''''''''''
       come       \ o /'''''''         ''''''''
       puss...     '''  '''''            ''''''
 ..     /               ''''   WiNoJoE    ''''
 []o  O   ..            '''      c/o      '''
    \/|\_o[]             ''   madrulli@   ''
      |                  ''  airmail.net  ''
     / \                 ''               ''
  ._/   \_.              WW               WW
                        ,,,              ,,,


           | ^   ^ |
          [  0   =  ]                   _       _____
 (~~~~~~-oOOo-(_)-oOOo-~~~~~~~~~) _ _ _(_\_____o /_/_ |
 ( P.Spoon@The Hi-End Haven(tm) )       >-----._/_/__]>
 (~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)                 `0  |

        _....._      
       .\:\:/:/.
      /=\_.@._/=\    666 is exactly 2.138 times the height of the
     /==/ _ _ \==\   pyramid of Cheops and if we multiply the height
    /==(   -   )==\  of the pyramid by 3.36 million, we get the EXACT,
    |===\  =  /===|  let me repeat that - EXACT - distance to the moon.
    \====|-V-|====/  This next part is much more than just mere coinci-
     \===|   |===/   dence: if you drop the zeros off 3.36 million and
      |==|   |==|    then add the 3 to the 36, you get a figure which
      '=.|   |.='    is EXACTLY equal to the age that Bill Gates would
                     have been on his 39th birthday.

This provides CONCLUSIVE proof that Bill Gates is either an extraterrestrial or a pyramid.

                                            .:\:/:.
         +-------------------+             .:\:\:/:/:.
         | STOP QUOTING THIS |            :.:\:\:/:/:.:
         |  STUPID LAME JOKE |           :=.' -   - '.=:
         |      PLEASE       |           '=(\ 9   9 /)='
         |   Thank you,      |              (  (_)  )
         |       Tom         |              /`-vvv-'\
         +-------------------+             /         \
                 |  |        @@@          / /|,,,,,|\ \
                 |  |        @@@         /_//  /^\  \\_\
   @x@@x@        |  |         |/         WW(  (   )  )WW
   \||||/        |  |        \|           __\,,\ /,,/__
    \||/         |  |         |      jgs (______Y______)
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

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Lists of Rules, Reasons and Acronyms

Top Ten Reasons: "Men Prefer Computers to Women"

10 rules of Newsgroup reading! (and posting)

  1. A LINE OF TEXT CAN MEAN 20 THINGS TO 20 OTHER PEOPLE (REGARDLESS OF WHAT WAS SAID).
  2. TAKE EVERYTHING POSTED WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
  3. DON'T BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE WHAT SOMEBODY POSTS.
  4. THINK BEFORE YOU HIT THE REPLY BUTTON.
  5. REREAD YOUR POST 5 TIMES BEFORE SENDING.
  6. IF IT'S NOT WORTH READING 5 TIMES, IT'S NOT WORTH SENDING.
  7. 90% OF THE TIME WHAT YOU SAY IS MOST LIKELY 180 DEGREES FROM WHAT OTHERS THINK YOU MEAN.
  8. 90% OF THE TIME WHAT SOMEBODY SAID IS MOST LIKELY 180 DEGREES FROM WHAT YOU THINK THEY REALLY MEANT.
  9. GOOD COMMUNICATION INVOLVES NOT ONLY SIGHT, BUT SOUND WITH INFLECTION, HAND MOVEMENTS, FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND EYE CONTACT AND EMAIL CAN ONLY DO ABOUT 20% OF THAT.
  10. MOST IMPORTANT, STICK WITH THE SUBJECT OF THE LIST, NOT THE PERSONAL TRAITS OR THINKING OF THE POSTER.

Computer Industry Acronyms

PCMCIAPeople Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDNIt Still Does Nothing
APPLEArrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSISystem Can't See It
DOSDefective Operating System
BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBMI Blame Microsoft
DECDo Expect Cuts
CD-ROMConsumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2Obsolete Soon, Too
WWWWorld Wide Wait
MACINTOSHMost Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUMProduces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOLCompletely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGAA Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISPLots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPSMeaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWSWill Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIROGarbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFTMost Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers

HUMOR FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Some of these are repeating themselves but theres some good ones nontheless.

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Read this on product labels

Helmet-mounted mirrorRemember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you
Car windscreen sun-shadeDo not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place
Car steering lockWarning-- Remove lock before driving
Korean kitchen knifeKeep out of children
Juggling ballsThis product contains small granules under 3 millimetres. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA
Nytol sleeping tabletsWarning: May cause drowsiness
Inflatable toy saxaphoneThis item is not to be used as a life preserver or swimming aid
Inflatable plastic bottle for advertising Brown AleDo not use as a life-saving device
Chinese packet of peanutsOpen packet and eat contents
Salted peanutsContains nuts
House-plantFor ornamental use and should not be consumed
ShampooUse repeadedly for severe damage
Bread and butter puddingTake care: product will be hot after heating
CameraThis camera only works when there is film inside
Flavoured milk drinkAfter opening, keep upright
Electric clothes ironWarning! Never iron clothes on the body
Chain sawDo not stop the chain with hands
Windscreen de-icing spraySpray works in sub-zero temperatures
Insect sprayKills all kinds of insects. Warning: This spray is harmful to bees
Insect repellant creamThis product is harmful to fish
Sono-bouyProtect from seawater
Steam ironDo not allow this unit to be exposed to rain or moisture
Japanese pile relief productLie down on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet
Aerosol fly and wasp killerKills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges and other flying insects. Not tested on animals
Ibuprofen tabletsDo not take if allergic to Ibuprofen or any other ingredients
Installation Guide contained in computer packing boxesTo avoid condensation forming, please allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening

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The very first Make Money Fast scam

Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style        
chain letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin.
Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave wall
on the slopes of Kilimanjaro.

MAKE POINTY STICKS FAST!!!                                                

Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way.    
Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk       
spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat          
leaves, berries. Urk flee from wolves.

Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many pointy         
sticks.  Urk tell how.

WHAT DO: make one pointy stick and take to cave places below. Add own     
cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message    
on walls many caves. Wait. Many pointy sticks soon come! This not         
crime!  Urk ask shaman, gods say okay.

HERE LIST:                                                                

   1) Urk                                                                 
      First cave                                                          
      Olduvai Gorge                                                       

 few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)                                          
      old dead tree                                                             
      by lake shaped like mammoth                                              

 few) Og                                                                        
      big rock with overhang                                                    
      near pig game trail                                                       

Many) Zog                                                                       
      river caves                                                               
      where river meet big water                                                

Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.            

© Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it.                                                                             

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Using every letter of the aphabet in a sentence

Bright vixens jump; dozy fowl quack.
How quickly daft jumping zebras vex.
Quick bright vixens jump a dozy wolf.
Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz.
Prize fowl vexed him just by quacking.
Waltz, dumb nymph, for quick jigs vex.
The five boxing wizards jumped quickly.
Brazen old wives fight a quick jumpy ox.
Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.
Sympathizing would fix Quaker objectives.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Broach five lumpy quahogs with a junked zax.
Quiz forgiven lads who jump back over your fix.
Young frogs jump back quickly if zapped with six volts.
Vigorously eat quixotic zweibacks, fresh jam, and prunes.
Justly vexed, the Queen exiled the calligrapher who spattered some black ink on her dozing dog.

New job: fix Mr. Gluck's hazy TV, PDQ! 
Exactly 26 letters! (plus punctuation and capitalization)

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Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

(Read this aloud, if you can!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.

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Bit Commitment Blues

by Mike Stay

You think I got zero knowledge, 
But I know you done me wrong.
Just commit to me baby, 
So's I can sing a happier song!
One bit of commitment, 
That's all I really need,
So send me your hashed answer 
And the random seed.

I got the bit commitment, bit commitment blues.
I got the (thump thump hmmm...) bit commitment blues.

I ain't oblivious, darlin', 
And honey, I ain't blind.
Don't need sublim'nal channels 
To read your cheatin' mind.
I'll share a secret with you: 
I know you hand out a public key.
But why's it to the apartment 
That you're sharin' with me?

I got the bit commitment, bit commitment blues.
I got the (thump thump hmmm...) bit commitment blues.

You say you love me, baby, 
But you flirt with other guys.
You say you want me, honey, 
But I see you wink your eye.
You say you need me, Alice, 
Now forgive me if I sob;
You know my name is Charlie, 
So quit hangin' out with Bob!

I got the bit commitment, bit commitment blues.
I got the (thump thump hmmm...) bit commitment blues.

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Copyright © Glenn Baddeley 2008
http://home.pacific.net.au/~gnb/humour.html was last updated 27 January 2008.
Report problems and send comments to Glenn Baddeley.